


If you’ve never orgasmed this hard before- JUST READ THIS GODDAMN THING.

by thatmichaelgirl (SupernaturalMystery306)



Series: EXPERT COMMENTS [8]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), One Direction (Band)
Genre: COMMENTARY FIC, Commentary of If you’ve never orgasmed this hard before, Crack, M/M, Multi, but only in case your name is Luke and you like Penguins., inspired by kayleighmccamyo's fic, it’s time to buy yourself a Michael, not my own, text fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 09:23:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6000721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SupernaturalMystery306/pseuds/thatmichaelgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Michael is leaving the band, Alex is coming in his place. Liam is leaving his band, his place gets occupied by Ashton, Calum leaves, Zayn is there.</i><br/>OR<br/><i>you were neck deep in a hole, im confused, Louis is hiding, Liam is pleased, Zayn wants to have a part in this, Cal wants to know what happens to rude people, Ash has a daddy kink, Alex is joining 5sos,  Mikey is murdering all of Luke’s penguins and everything is Lukes fault because it was his idea.</i></p><p>Commentary on <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/4603419">If you’ve never orgasmed this hard before, it’s time to buy yourself a Michael, but only in case your name is Luke and you like Penguins.</a></p><p>Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN THIS. It's a commentaryyyyyy. Reading the books kinda series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If you’ve never orgasmed this hard before- JUST READ THIS GODDAMN THING.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KayleighMcCamyo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KayleighMcCamyo/gifts).
  * Inspired by [If you’ve never orgasmed this hard before, it’s time to buy yourself a Michael, but only in case your name is Luke and you like Penguins.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4603419) by [KayleighMcCamyo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KayleighMcCamyo/pseuds/KayleighMcCamyo). 



> KAYLEIGH,
> 
> I HATE MYSELF SO FUCKING MUCH. I STARTED THIS IN NOVEMBER OR DECEMBER OR WHENEVER I FIRST COMMENTED ON IT BUT THEN I KEPT POSTPONING IT. AND I HATE MYSELF.
> 
> THIS WAS WRITTEN OVER DIFFERENT INTERVALS OF TIME SO IT'S CHOPPY AS FUCK BUT I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.
> 
> HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY LOL.

Lemme tell you in advance. Reading this consisted of me basically losing it and laughing my ass off with tears down my face and at one point of time I did that beautiful Hand Toss Into Wall™ which basically rendered me speechless and handless temporarily. But of course I have to pretend to be awesomely witty here (woe is me) so here you go. Please, don’t set my arse on fire for such shitty reactions. I tried my best but it’s hard to come up with stuff when all you wanna do is hug your laptop and sob into the pillow with happiness bc Niall is a fucking fangirl of sex and Luke is the CEO OF HIS OWN BUSINESS OF BUYING AND SELLING THINGS AT LOSSES and Calum is just in dire need of getting laid and Ashton’s daddy and Liam’s done with everything and Harry’s in a hole and not Louis, who’s ehehe’ing and did I miss anyone? yes, Zayn is an artist with an obsession with golden paint and MICHAEL IS A COMMODITY AND PROPERTYYYYYYYYYYYYY. AKA A SLUT, NOT A SLAVE.

Yes, I summarized your story. You’re very welcome.

*******

**Mikey has started a groucphat. He invited: Cal, Luke, Ash, Zayn, Liam, Harry, Niall, Louis.**

This is like a premonition tbh because groupchats are always a) harmful for health and b) mentally scarring and c) too hilarious for the world

**Mikey: THE FUCKIGN SHIT YOU FUCKIGN IDIOTS**

?? chill pill anyone?

**Ash: oh dear**

**Zayn: the fuck**

**Niall: hey guys**

heya niallzzzzzzyyy

**Louis: can y’all wait a sec harrys stuck in a hole**

we’ll wait for 5 seconds and not for one, because you never said please.

**Niall: BYE GUYS**

rude :(

**Zayn: niall let them have some privacy for my sake**

oh, like you’re God?

**Liam: please tell me there's nothing gay about this**

THIS IS 5SOS AND 1D WE’RE TALKING ABOUT. IF THERE WAS NOTHING GAY THEY WOULDN’T BE THEMSELVES, LIAM.

**Louis: ehehe**

**Cal: haha. No, not this time.**

OH BUT THIS TIME, MAYBE THIS TIME, TWO GAYS MAKE A PAIR.

**Zayn: i am such a nice god…**

NO YOU’RE NOT.

**Ash: but it was funny**

**Louis: there was something funny and it wasn’t about dicks?**

not everything is about dicks Louis. stop being so one-track minded.

♪ CAUSE I GOT A ONE TRACK MIND. AND THERE’S A [5SOS] PORN BLOG IN THE MAKING. TRYNA KEEP US SATISFIED. ♪ Whoops.

**Louis: OK… sounds fake but okay**

pfffffft. hahahahahahahahaha. *spitting out water maybe*

**Ash: YOU“!!!!! IT WAS YOU WHO TAUGHT MICHAEL ALL THE MEME SHIT STUFF**

WHAT MEME SHIT STUFF?! TELL ME. But aw, teacher!Louis, student!Michael *winkkkkk*

**Louis: ehehe**

shut up Louis.

**Zayn: y’all stupid. I'm going to sleep.**

**Luke: you gonna like it, Zayn, it was rude**

are you implying something mister?

**Zayn: seriously**

**Cal: yeah**

**Louis: okay something that was rude, Zayn's gonna like it and it was funny and it STILL wasn’t about dicks?**

Why? Does Zayn like dicks? ;)

**Luke: well…**

**Luke: michael was included so it kinda was about a dick**

AHAHAHAH. BURN. WHATTTT. FUCK. BURRRRRRNNNNNN.

**Louis: LUKEY OH MY GOD I AM SO RPOUD !!!**

**Liam: oh my god**

**Mikey: i HATE YALL AND YOUR STUPID ASSES LITERALY FUCK YOU SHITFUCKIGN ASSNIPPLES**

Assnipples? Colloquial. *Cinema Sins voice*

**Zayn: did you piss off the very rare bisexual punkrock dragon?**

YEAH, BY CALLING HIM A UNICORN

**Louis: with the ability to temporary die?**

WHAT?!

♫ I’M GONNA CHANGE YOU LIKE A REMIX, THEN I’LL RAISE YOU LIKE A PHOENIX ♫

**Liam: y’all dead.**

**Luke: Yeah, i know *smiley emoji***

Luke knows that he’s dead?

**Cal: worth it**

♪ BABY I’M WORTH IT ♪

**Mikey: YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKIGN CUNTS I HATE YALL AND FUCKI MRUDER YOU IN YORU SPEELP**

Is he breathing fire on the screen that he’s unable to type through the smoke? because thsoe aer smoe sriouse spelling errors in his text. :’) but he’s able to spell ‘stupid’ and ‘cunts’ correctly. Really.

**Luke: *smiley emoji* yeah**

**Liam: mikey what happened?**

**Mikey: Y’ALL OUT OF THE BAND**

So are you like the daddy? Oh no that’s Ashton

**Ash: I DIDN´T DO ANYTHING**

**Mikey: YOU FUCKIGN LAUGHED!!!**

Awww Mikey sorry babe

**Ash: EVERYONE WOULD LAUGH IT WAS FUCKIGN FUNNY???!!?**

**Cal: it was the funniest shit that ever happened ti this stupid band**

Annnnnnnnddddddthere’snokeekforit?

**Mikey: YO FUCKING SHITFACE I HATE YOUR ASS AND YOUR FUCKIGN PENGUIS THEY ARE H TE GAYSTE SHIT EVER**

NO LISTEN SHUT THE FUCK UP. I LOVE YOU MICHAEL BUT PENGUINS ARE FUCKING OUTTA THIS WORLD WITH THEIR PRETTINESS SO STOP HATING ON THOSE FLUFFY CUTIES. PENGUINS ARE ♥

**Luke: MIHCALE OHOW CLOUD YOU!?!?!?!?**

EXACTLY. PLEASE REFRAIN FROM SAYING ANYTHING AGAINST PENGUINS. I HAVE EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENTS TO PENGUINS.

**Liam: can someone explain?**

that’s the stupidest thing to say bc with these boys explanations are All About That Dick and i don’t think you really wanna know about dicks or anything. also, if explanations aren’t about dicks, they’re not good enough to be called dicks. okay? okay.

**Liam: maybe?**

**Liam: please?**

awwww he’s so sweet he’s being polite he ought to get a blowjob from his bandmates with Mikey doing a cameo. And Ashton. and Calum. and The Master of Michael™. #spoilers

**Zayn: who gives a fuck this is golden**

no this is gospel

**Louis: i have no idea what's going on but i want in**

want in on what? someone’s ass so that you’d have a three way? btw where’s harry right now?

**Mikey: YALL DEAD TO ME I'm LEAVING THE BAND**

**Cal: oh fucking finaly**

**Liam: why is luke so quiet?**

michael gagged him. or maybe he’s currently tongue deep in michael

**Ash: it was his idea.**

**Mikey: Y’ALL DEAD TO ME YOU FUCKIGN SHITCOCKS I HATE EVERY SINGLE ONE FO YOU**

**Cal: Luke come the fuck here and take care of your property**

WAAAAAAAHT

**Louis: my baby lukey i am so proud**

WHAT

**Liam: I'm moving out**

out of zayn’s butt

**Louis: i mean i have no idea what youve done**

**Mikey: LUCA SD OESNT FUCKNNG OWN ME YOU FUCKIGN SHITBAGS OF BULLSHITS**

IM IN LOVE WIHT THE WORD SHITBAG OAYK BYE

**Louis: but obvously youve done great**

**Zayn: this is literally golden**

**Louis: is luke alright?**

**Cal: he's dead laughing, but yeah he's fine it was the best thing we‘ve ever done as a band**

oh?

**Mikey: I AM LEAVING THW NBAD YOU ANRE NOT A BAND WITOUS TME YOU GAY COCKASSES**

i don’t even know. he’s worse than castiel when it comes to making up insults. cockasses and nipplecocks…? seriously? i guess……

**Cal: it was the best thing we‘ve done as a band ever because michael is FINALY LEAVING THE BAND**

**Ash: i think i have something with my lungs**

**Ash: i am laughing so hard i can't breathe**

**Luke: breathe love you are the only one we need in our band**

you fucktard. don’t you need mikey? AND CALUM ALSO BUT DUDE. oh wait. only one they need in the band? SO LUKE’S SAYING HE ISN’T NEEDED? OKAY THEN THAT’S FINE.

**Zayn: literally this is golden**

second time he’s saying this. im counting

**Liam: this convo is a mess and i have no idea what's going on**

it’s better if you don’t.

**Louis: Niall stop banging on my door i won't let you in**

**Niall: I WANNA SEE YOU CUM WITH HARRY'S DICK IN YOU**

Please tell me I had a temporary brain disorder and I’m not really reading about rabid!fangirl!Niall with an affinity for gay sex between his friends.

**Cal: I DIDN´T WANT TO KNOW HTAT!!!!!!**

never have i ever disagreed with calum more

**Liam: oh my god please no no dick and buts in this convo this is so funny don't ruin it**

how can it be funny without dicks and butts?

**Luke: there's already Calum in this conversation is already ruined**

oh, burn. Whatcha gonna do hon?

**Cal: THAT EHF CUK**

serves you right for calling Luke funny earlier Column.

**Ash: oh my god**

**Zayn: this is golden.**

third time

**Louis: luke baby i am seriously so proud i love you i can't wait to tell Harry**

can’t wait to tell harry to pull out right? GET YO HEAD OUTTA THE ASS

**Liam: well you can tell him can't you? Anyway… how are you getting fucked when you are participating in this mess that is supposed to be a conversation?**

**Zayn: multitasking. Also louis‘ ass is magical.**

the first one is CORRECT. the second one doesn’t apply to this Zaynie. you were asked a question and a fact was expected as the answer, not an opinion.

BUT LIKE, THE FIRST ONE REMINDS ME OF LILLYLIKEABLADE’S FIC WHERE MICHAEL IS APPARENTLY GETTING FUCKED BY TWO THREE PEOPLE AT THE SAME TIME AND HE’S TALKING TO JACK FROM ATL AND JACK IS LIKE BRUH HOW YOU TEXTIN AND MIKE’S LIKE MULTITASKINGGGGGG

**Louis: ^^**

**Niall: yeah he's good at it, do you remember that time when he took Zayn and Harry in his ass, you in his mouth and still was able to give me a handjob?**

that’s a bit extreme.

**Ash: …**

**Cal: NO I DIDN ANT TO KWNO ABTOU THSI?!?!?§**

I like how he added that symbol at the end. xD

**Luke: I-**

**Liam: WE AREN'T TALKIGN ABTOU THIS**

he’s obviously embarrassed.

**Zayn: we usually don't talk about this**

well duh. but wait, how much is your ‘usually’…??

**Liam: THIS FDN HAPPEN WHE DECIDED THAT WAS JUST BETWEEN US**

but you can include 5sos dude. they’re your fangirls. and would gladly accept the invitation if you ever extended one. for fucking c:

**Louis: it stresses Liam.**

**Liam: AND YOU FJUS FCKUKN G GO AND YOU FUCKGN WTELL EVERY NOE YOU FUCKIGN TWATS?!?!**

i’m sorry what? he’s going to have brain damage

**Zayn: so we don't usually talk about this.**

duh. it’s not really something you’re supposed to talk about

**Liam: I AM SUCJ A NICE PESORN?!!!?**

aw Liam, you are nice. We know you are. Tbh I read this line and I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry because he’s such a cutie here “pesorn?!!!?” XD

**Louis: because it stresses Liam.**

uh, DUH

**Liam: I LOVE MY FNAMILY AND I LOVE MY FANS AND MY GRILDRRHEID N AND THIS SWAS A CUGNNT SECRET?!?!**

you love everyone. also did anyone notice that he mentioned fans before his “grildrrheid”...?

**Mikey: this is golden.**

so he’s taking a page out of zayn’s book and obviously the next colour of his hair is going to be GOLDEN. there are no puns whatsoever in this sentence

**Zayn: i know right**

**Liam: AM MOVING OUT!!!!**

you’ll move out where? YOUR BAND WILL COME FOLLOWING FOLLOWING FOLLOWING TO YOU THE MAP THAT LEADS TO YOUUUUUU AND THEN YOU’LL HAVE 5 SECONDS OF SEXX

**Louis: ahhhhhhhhhh… happy days.**

EVERY DAY IS A HAPPY DAY IF YOU HAVE HARRY’S DICK IN YOU

**Liam: LOSUI I DOTN FUCKIGN DON'T OKAY JUST JFUCNG DON'T?!?!?!?! WERE NOT SUPPOSEF TO TALK ABOUY THIS AND WIT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SECRET YOU FUCKIGN JERK**

losui? idk if that translates into loser or Louis.

**Ash: I'm moving in.**

**Luke: I wanna do this too!**

you’ve already done enough. Michael just came crying to me about Luke and yens. I don’t even know what it was but he looked pretty upset.

**Cal: I'm FUCKIGN LEAVING!!!!!!!**

**Zayn: I WANT IN!!!**

I change the summary. Michael is leaving the band, Alex is coming in his place. Liam is leaving his band, his place gets occupied by Ashton, Calum leaves, Zayn is there.

Basically 5SOS- Luke Hemmings, Zayn Malik, Alex Gaskarth

One Direction- Louis Styles, Harry-in-the-hole-Styles, Niall-the-sex-freak-Horan, and Ashton Irwin.

The Jobless Trio- Michael Clifford, Calum Hood, Liam Payne.

Listen to the last band, it has a very… abandoned tune. (PLS TELL ME YOU GOT THE PUN BECAUSE I ACTUALLY RESEARCHED THE SYNONYMS OF ‘LEAVE’ TO MAKE IT WORK :’( PLS GET IT)

**Liam: I DOT GIVE A SINGLE FUCKI ABOUT THAT U AM MOVING OUT I AM TAKING MY PAIN TRAIN AND I AM LEAVING**

OMG I ADORE YOU. YOU SENT THIS REFERENCE IN YOUR REPLY T_T

**Cal: hey.. that's my sentence about boomerang…**

what? is that a reference?

**Liam: aND FUCK YOU TOO!!!**

**Cal: WHAT DID I DO?!?!**

you exist burnburnburn

**Mikey: you are laughing.**

**Ash: OF COURSE HE IS LAUGHING THIS IS TH FUNNIEST SHIT EVER HAPPEN IN THE HISTORY OF YOUR BANDS**

HISTORY

**Louis: again?**

**Ash: wait.**

**Luke: deja-vu?**

**Liam: yeah, what was that about Mikey screaming earlier?**

”LUKE IS TOO BIG!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!?!?!?/1/?!?!?!!?!?!!?”

**Mikey: yeah that s fuckign right WHAT THE SHITFUCKING NIPPLES WAS THAT A BOUT?!?!**

he is obsessed with nipples. tbh the whole of 5sos is

**Zayn: these conversations are fuckign golden.**

we got that the first time you said so Zayn. and this is the fourth

**Louis: I have no idea what's going on but I'm loving every second of it**

you’re gettin’ fucked apparently while you’re texting. basically sexting has a new meaning now

**Liam: STAH P TALKING TO US WHEN YOU ARE GETTING FUCKED**

haha never

**Niall: AND OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME WILL YA MATE**

*bolts, adds more locks, puts heavy furniture up against the door*

**Zayn: literally this is the best.**

so it’s no longer golden?

**Ash: I AM MOVING IN WIHT Y’ALL**

YOU JERK YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE LUKE NEEDS IN THE BAND AND YOU’RE ABANDONING THE BABY PENGUIN TO LIVE WITH THE STYLES. Yes, Styles as in more than one.

**Louis: shut up Niall i am hiding.**

**Niall: …that must be hard, considering Harry’s 10 inches is hiding in you…**

i had to close my eyes for a moment and collect myself because what? please niall, do NOT give me a stroke. Ooh, “don’t give me a stroke” xD am I worse than these bands or am I worse than these bands?

**Liam: I DON'T WANNA HEAR OR SEE WHERE ARE YOUR DICKS HIDING**

**Ash: I am moving in there si so much more fun**

**Mikey: daddy**

THE FIRST TIME I READ THIS I COULDN’T BELIEVE MY EYES. YOU MADE THIS STORY TEN TIMES BETTER BY JUST ONE WORD WHAT IS THIS I’M SUCH A DUMBBBBBBFUCKKKKKKKKK

**Liam: SHUT UP**

NO PLEASE I NEED MORE OF THIS

**Ash: yes, love?**

YESYESYESPLEASE

**Zayn: there are two kinds of people.**

THOSE WHO’RE SEE WHAT I DID THERE PLZ REMOVE THE APOSTROPHE INTO DADDY KINK AND THOSE WHORE ;) INTO DADDY KINKKKKKK

**Cal: fuck y’all gay asses**

duh. so are you

**Zayn: there are three kinds of people**

**Mikey: *sending Supernatural gif of Sam talking about the 4th kind being a butt thing***

I need that gif. send it to me.

**Niall: speaking of butts; louis, can i see harrys dick?**

butts lead to dicks? that’s a stupid logic nialler.

**Ash: MICAHLE GRODNRO NCLIRDRODR U FICING DO TN**

you know if there’s anything Michael would hate more than Gordon, it’s Grodnro. Or he might just fall in love with it bc it sounds like a pokemon’s name. shit man, it’s like, he will either hate or love. :(

It also sounds like the name of a pouty Russian cat ♥_♥

**Louis: i told you Ni, Harry is neck deep in a hole**

LOUIS STOP CHOKING HIM BTW ARE YOU GUYS DOING BABY PRACTICE BC HOW IS A HEAD EVEN FITTING PLEASE REMOVE THE MENTAL IMAGES I BEG YOU

**Liam: LOUIS I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD**

all I get from this is that you swear to fucking Zayn. ZIAM.

**Niall: Neck deep?**

**Zayn: ..from which side…?**

**Luke: oh my god.**

oh my zayn. do people seriously ship zuke?

**Niall: i don't understand.**

better if you don’t, you slutty fangirl

**Liam: I don't wanna understand. Im just gonna pretend I haven't read that.**

good

**Ash: Louis what like I know your arse is a miracle to the world but like**

**Ash: how**

shut up ashton fuck your own band not hazza’s property

**Louis: you fuckign idiots**

**Mikey: Can we fuckign FOCUSE ON THE FACT THAT I AM LEAVING THE BAND ?!?!?!**

oh we almost forgot.

**Zayn: again?**

so he’s apparently leaving The Dejected Trio. No wait, Jobless. Yeah.

**Cal: yeah just lemme give a call to Alex, he’s better at everything than you**

SHUT UP CALUM YOU’RE BREAKING MY HEART AND STOMPING YOUR PRETTY LITTLE FOOT ON MY MALUM DREAMS SHUT UP JUST SHUT UP

**Mikey: IMMA DESTROY YOUR FUCKING BASS BY SLAMMING IT AGAINS T YOUR HARD DICK, AND THEN ILL KILL ALL OF LUKES PENGUINS**

...Ouch. That will hurt.

BUT WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM WITH THE PENGUINS

**Luke: SHUT THE FUCK UP MICHAEL**

**Zayn: this is literally the best**

**Ash: MICHAEL DON'T BE FUCKING RUDE**

**Louis: i want in.**

**Luke: YOU KNWO WHAT HAPPENS TO RUDE PEOPLE**

~~they get spanked?~~

**Cal: CAN SOMEONE FINALLY FUCKIGN TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS TO RUDE PEOPLE OR WHAT**

**Zayn: this is golden**

FIFTH FUCKING TIME

**Mikey: YOU COCKSUCKERS FUKING ASS SHITS DON'T EVEN DESERVE TO BE MY FRIENDS I AM THE VERY RARE PUNKROCK BISEXUAL DRAGON WITH ABILITY TO TEMPORARY DIE**

awwwwwwwwwww baby ily

**Luke: FUCK YOU CLIFFORD YOU ARE NOT PUNKROCK I A WAY MORE PUNKROCK THAN YOU**

**Liam: this is… surprisingly… really funny conversation.**

yeah because it talks about dicks. that’s louis’ logic actually. i’m just borrowing it

**Cal: WHAT HE FUCK HAPPENS TO RUDE PEOPLE I WANNA FUCKIGN KNOW**

be rude to me and you’ll know

**Zayn: i know right**

**Ash: YOU CAN'T ONLY SPECIAL PUNKROCK PEOPLE CAN KNOW**

so sorry puppy, but no one will tell you.

**Cal: I AM FUCKIGN PUNKROCK YOU FUCKING MORON HAVE YOU FUCKIGN SEE MY FUCKIGN TATTOOS**

I SAID SORRY PUPPY WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED. The knowledge? ain’t getting it.

**Mikey: I HATE YALL I AM LEAVING I'm TAKING MY LOUIS AND I AM LEAVING THIS FUCKING PLACE**

so now TJT has four people and 1d has three

**Ash: YOU CAN'T LEAVE WITHOUT LUKES PERMISSION YOU FUCKING DICK**

Oooooh. XD

**Mikey: DON'T FUCKING TALK ABOUT THAT ASSNIPPLES SHITBAG INFRONT OF ME**

SHITBAG. SHITBAG. FUCK ME OR FUCKING KILL ME. IT WON’T MAKE A DIFFERENCE. YOU CALLED HIM SHITBAG. MY LIFE IS COMPLETE.

**Harry: sorry guys i was neck deep in a hole what did I miss**

**Niall: you were neck deep in a hole, im confused, Louis is hiding, Liam is pleased, Zayn wants to have a part in this, Cal wants to know what happens to rude people, Ash has a daddy kink, Alex is joining 5sos, Mikey is murdering all of Luke’s penguins and everything is Lukes fault because it was his idea.**

gosh, so after all, Niall was able to defeat me at the summary contest. I MAY BE A SORE LOSER BUT NIALL IS SORE BECAUSE OF SOMETHING ELSE

**Zayn: and that's what you’ve missed on Glee.**

I’M CRYING RN THIS IS TOO BEAUTIFUL.

… and golden.

yeah he ruined me

**Harry: …**

**Harry: wow.**

yeah it’s a bit HARD to understand

**Harry: why is Alex joining 5SOS?**

because he’s joining them DUH

**Louis: yeah i though there is enough of dicks in there.**

**Ash: LOUIS WHAT THE FUCK**

yeah because actually One Direction has more dicks than 5 Seconds of Summer.

… Well, they used to…

**Liam: Louis don't be rude that's zayns part to portray.**

oh wow so Zayn must love spankings or whatever that happens to rude people.

**Mikey: IF ALEX JOINS 5SOS I'm JOINING ATL**

SO THE JOBLESS TRIO IS AGAIN A TRIO. MAN THIS IS MESSED UP. WHY DON’T THEY ALL HAVE ONE BAND WITH ABOUT 15 MEMBERS AND CALL THEMSELVES THE FALLEN OUT GODS OF GAY PANIC. OR JUST GODS OF GAY BC FOB AND P!ATD HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS….

**Niall: what's ATL**

OI. SHUT UP AND GO EDUCATE YOURSELF. I feel bad constantly telling Niall to shut up.

**Cal: THE FUCK**

you put it in a much better way

**Harry: this convo is a mess**

so is the place where you were buried neck deep

**Luke: SHUT UP MICHAEL**

wtf he didn’t even say anything?!?!!?!? oh wait, he said something about three-four texts ago. oh

**Zayn: I am such a nice god.**

where did that come from?

**Ash: yeah Shut up MICHAEL LUKE SAID SO**

shut up Ashton I said so.

**Cal: YOU ARE LUKES PROPERTY NOW YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT HE TELLS YOU**

OMG ♥_♥

**Louis: this is so funny**

**Mikey: #@ &đ®{<÷)*,<.*÷ú)(‚|\,Ł[\|€{x#&@_:--„“¨?!_.“™®™!!!!!!!!**

MICHAEL YOU CAN’T DENY THAT YOU’RE FANGIRLING OVER BEING CALLED LUKE’S PROPERTY.

I NEED SOMEONE TO WRITE ME A VV SMUTTY STORY WITH MICHAEL CLIFFORD THE PROPERTY OF LUKE HEMMINGS ASAP OR I’LL GO BERSERK AND WRITE IT MYSELF. THE WORLD NEEDS MUKE.

**Cal: i know right**

caylam agrees

**Harry: seriously someone explain?**

**Liam: good luck, haz.**

yea

**Harry: Please?**

**Liam: they told e to fuck myself.**

~~But you’re a naughty bitch and you’re not following the rules. Kill me I am too perverted to handle myself~~

**Mikey: YALL STUPID BITCHES I HATE YALL**

**Luke: FUCK YOU I PAID BIG MONEY FOR YOU**

YEAH HE PAID ONE YEN OVERALL OKAY? #spoilers

**Liam: what is going on**

**Niall: i don't understand but i love yall and im happy to be here**

ah, the little luxuries of life. tbh this got me a lil bit emotional because who would have thought Le Sex Freak could be so cute?

**Cal: FUCK YOU ALL**

**Zayn: who cares what's going on this is golden**

you can choose among these for your moods and reactions:

      

**Luke: seriously these conversations are giving me life**

this whole thing is your fault lucas.

**Louis: I have no idea what's going on but i want in**

**Ash: you CAN'T LOUIS YOU WERE RUDE AND YOU CALLED US DICKS**

LOLZ ASHY IS STANDING UP FOR HIS BAND. OR WHAT’S LEFT OF IT ANYWAY

**Louis: you are tho. Thick, nice, smooth and 9 inch long.**

UM, THAT REMINDED ME OF SANDALWOOD

**Liam: …**

**Harry: *smiley emoji* yeah…**

**Luke: *smiley emoji* yeah…**

**Mikey: *smiley emoji* yeah…**

**Zayn: *smiley emoji* yeah…**

**Niall: *smiley emoji* yeah…**

YEAHAHHAH//?!?!?!??!/!?!? ASHTON I’M FREE RIGHT NOW

**Cal: I-**

**Luke: don't be jealous cal**

**Liam: I'm MOVING OUT**

**Ash: Luke did you gave michael permission to talk**

**Mikey: I AM JOINING ALT I HATE THIS BAND AND LUKE DOESN'T FUCKIGN OWN ME**

**Niall: what is atl??**

**Liam: all time low, the band 5sos like, honey.**

LIAM YOU CALLED NIALL HONEY? THANK YOU

**Harry: seriously wtf happened?**

**Luke: I AM LAUGHING SO HARD OMG**

**Mikey: FUCK YALL STUPID SHITFACED ASSNIPPLES**

control yourself sweetie

**Zayn: who gives a fuck this is golden**

sixth time. if you say it once more i’mma spank you

...OH FUCK NO, THIS WAS THE SEVENTH TIME

**Niall: i still don't understand where was Harry?**

**Louis: neck deep in a hole**

**Liam: i DON'T WANNA KNOW ANY BIT OF THAT**

BUT I DO

**Cal: I’m leaving.**

**Zayn: why is everyone leaving this is golden**

BITCH THIS IS #8

**Louis: I am not leaving i am hiding**

**Harry: I'm not leaving I just came**

*i’m struggling to breathe*

**Niall: oh my god yes**

**Cal: oh my god please no**

**Luke: oh my god please yes**

**Liam: WHAT HE FUCK DID I JUST SAID ABOUT NOT WANTING TO HEAR ABOUT ANY BIT OF THAT**

THAT I WANNA HEAR IT

**Ash: this conversation is a fucking mess**

fucking indeed

**Mikey: who the fuck cares it's golden**

now michael has been influenced. *sigh* BUT WASN’T HE JUST SCREAMING AND PISSED WHATTTTT?!?!?!?

**Luke: shut up michael**

**Zayn: don't be rude luke**

**Liam: …is this the real life…**

no. real life is boring. this isn’t.

**Cal: MICHAEL SHUT UP LUKE TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP YOU ARE HIS PROPERTY YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO HIM**

**Liam: is this just fantasy…**

UNFORTUNATELY YES. OR MAYBE NOT. MAYBE THIS IS REAL. MAYBE 5SOS ARE HAVING GOT OT4 GAY SEX RIGHT THIS INSTANT WHILE WE’RE SITTING AND READING THIS. WHO KNOWS.

**Harry: i was neck deep i a hole**

**Liam: caught in a landslide**

MOZART OR BEETHOVEN?? I REALLY DON’T REMEMBER. BUT I THIKNK IT WAS BEET

**Niall: i just wonder from which side…**

#onetrackmind

**Liam: no escape trom reality**

LOST IN REALITY

**Louis: LIAM THIS IS NO TIME FOR BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY**

AAAHHH IT WAS NEITHER OOPS? ;P

**Zayn: with all the polyamory in this band i wouldn't be surprised if he says from both sides.**

:D :D :D ;D ;D ;D

**Liam: oh MY GOD PLEASE NO !“‘(/#@đ\ >?*‘§“?:¨‘!!**

OH MY GOD PLS YES

**Mikey: oh my fucking god**

**Luke: shut up michael**

**Cal: SHUT UP MICHAEL LUKE SAID SO YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO HIM**

OKAY SIR, OKAY DADDY

...NAH, PUPPY

**Mikey: FUCK YALL!!!**

**Ash: HEY MIKE DON'T FUCKIGN SWEAR**

SORRY DADDY

**Harry: we were down at the beach, liam. And while i was napping, louis buried me in the sand.**

**Ash: …**

**Zayn: …**

**Niall: … so no larry banging?**

*POUTS*

**Ash: this is not golden.**

i told you it’s gospel. BUT I AGREE AND I WANT A REFUND

**Liam: …oh.**

**Zayn: i am so disappointed.**

**Liam: well in that case is this conversation very pleasant and entertaining.**

FUCK YOU LIAM

**Luke: so, SO disapointed.**

**Harry: and now.**

**Harry: can you finally explain, punkrockers, what's going on?**

PUNKROCKERS AWWW

**Louis: there is only one punkrocker here, and he is leaving the band.**

**Zayn: but alex might join the 5sos.**

**Louis: then there's gonna be one punkrocker again.**

ARE YOU FUCKING MAD LOUIS. NO ONE CAN REPLACE THE _PUNKROCK KITTEN_

**Zayn: hahaha**

**Luke: rude.**

**Mikey: ily louis**

dude he was being rude to you why are you telling him that you love him?

**Ash: im moving in with the 1d boys**

traitor

**Luke: shut up michael**

**Liam: you live with us in lodon isn't it enough**

is it now?

**Cal: YEAH SHUT UP MIKEY LUKE SAID SHUT UP YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO HIM YOU ARE HIS PROPERTY NOW**

LISTEN CALUM IS THE WORST. HE’S CONSTANTLY TELLING MIKE TO SHUT UP BECAUSE LUKE SAID SO. I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING, AND CALUM CAN’T STOP ADMONISHING.

**Harry: CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT THE FUCK IS GONG ON IN 5SOS**

**Mikey: FUCK YALL I AM PUNKROCK I DO WHATEVER I WANT AND I AM NOONES PROPERTY U STUPID BALLSFUCKING NIPPLECOCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Cal: It was lukes idea.**

So now you’re blaming him? Or are you congratulating?

**Louis: i am so proud.**

**Ash: calum sold mikey on eBay.**

....

..........

..................

_What?!_

**Ash: for 15 yen.**

**Louis: I-**

**Liam: oh my god.**

exACTLY

**Zayn: this is fucking golden**

#9

**Cal: Luke bought him.**

**Cal: for 16 yen.**

IDIOT. YOU SUFFERED A LOSS.

**Liam: how much is a yen**

same

**Louis: really Payne**

what? it’s a good question? seeing as I myself needed to know

**Harry: about 13 cents**

**Louis: oh my fucking god on a stick slaming it into ur mama**

um… what? wHAT? *I’m sputtering*

**Mikey: i am glad you are having a good time**

**Harry: …**

**Luke: shut up michael**

**Harry: mikey i am so sorry**

AT LEAST SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS THE KITTEN’S PAIN. #MARRY

**Niall: if u really sorry why are you laughing like an idiot on the floor in our hall harold**

OH MAN. HARRY YOU ARE A JERK.

**Louis: oh my god this is fucking gold zayns rigth**

BITCH DON’T LET ZAYN CONVERT YOU ~~HE JUST LIKES THEM GOLDEN SHOWERS~~

**Louis: …**

**Louis: where is Zayn**

preaching in a church about gold

**Cal: dead i think. He fell off the bed and he's not moving**

...oh.

**Liam: he laughs like this**

**Mikey: im really glad i entertained you**

Aw babe now start stripping. “JUST SPREAD THOSE LEGS”

**Niall: my ships…**

Captain Horan.

**Cal: you did not Luke did**

ay bitch shut it

**Niall: poor malum…**

**Mikey: seriously guys can you stop**

yas baby I agree

**Niall: poor mashton…**

**Liam: im sorry mikey but you have to admit this is the best thing that happened to us, ever**

OF ALL THE PEOPLE I DIDN’T EXIST THIS FROM LIAM

*EXPECT

**Niall: MY MUKE!!!!!!!!!**

**Ash: luke why did you buy him, we cloud get rid off him forever and finally ask Jared Leto to join your band.**

DID YOU ALL NOTICE THAT HE SAID “YOUR”

HE LEFT 5SOS T_T

FUCKING TRAITOR

**Niall: MY FAVOURITE SHIP!!!!!**

same actually if we’re talking about muke

**Luke: exactly, i couldn’t do that to niall, muke is his numer two otp**

what’s no. 1? Larry?

**Cal: i swear to god Zayn just fucking growled from the ground**

werewolf god!Zayn

**Liam: yeah he doesn't really like the idea of shared second place on nialls otp list.**

**Mikey: weird, one would say he doesn't mind sharing**

are you implying something?

**Louis: ^^**

**Harry: so mikey is your slave now lukey?**

fCUKYYYYING HELL I NEED THIS

**Mikey: NO**

**Louis: you spelled slut wrong, love.**

I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER IF THIS WAS THE PART WHERE I FLAILED AND DID THE HAND THING. BUT OH MY GOD. MY EYES HAD WIDENED AND I HADN’T BREATHED FOR A SECOND BEFORE BURSTING OUT LAUGHING

**Ash: this is amazing.**

**Zayn: this is literally golden**

OKAY THIS IS THE TENTH TIME BUT I’M NOT EVEN GONNA BE PISSED BECAUSE I AGREE WITH YOU OHMYGOD ZAYN YOU ROCK AND NOW PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT GOLDENNESSSSS

**Harry: damn autocorrect.**

OOPS

**Mikey: THE FUCKIGN FUCK NO N!!!!**

ILY

**Liam: oh my god please no.**

plEASE YES

**Ash: i wanna have a part in this.**

YOU ALREADY LEFT THEM.

**Luke: yeah**

**Mikey: I-**

no listen this is literally so hilarious bc people can’t cut each other off during texts and seeing this for the fourth time is like there’s talking to each other and i couldn’t stop giggling #thisisgolden

**Luke: All I could see was mikey all naked, whenever i want him to**

HOLY SHIT. LUKE YOU ARE THE YOUNGEST OUT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE. PLEASE SHUT UP AND WASH YOUR MOUTH WITH SOAP. YOU MUM WOULD SLAP YOU FOR SAYING ALL THAT

**Liam: oh my fucking god please no not again**

**Louis: ready whenever you need him, right?**

HOLY GOD I LOVE THIS SERIOUSLY I WANT TO WRITE SMUT AND GIFT IT TO YOU OMG I LOVE YOU

**Liam: please, please no**

PLEASEPLEASEYES

**Zayn: anytime here for you, right, lukey?**

**Luke: yeah…**

**Liam: no…**

**Harry: when you want to be held and cuddled, right?**

UM, THIS IS GOING SOMEWHERE ISN’T IT

**Liam: …okay, okay, that, yeah.**

lol, he’s fine now that he knows this is fluff

**Ash: when you feel down a bit, you want him near you, right? Because he’s the biggest part of your home you are missing on the road, right, baby kitten?**

baby kitten? isn’t that michael?

**Niall: omg my feels no i can't even-**

TRUE THO. EXACTLY.

**Louis: bring you soup when you are sick, stay up all night with you watching sap movies when you are sad, helping you get to your bed when you are drunk**

fuckityfuck

**Luke: y-yeah…**

**Harry: when you want to be kissed lovingly on your temple, pecked on the lips a bit before you go to take a nap, right, penguin?**

please. i’ll start crying

**Liam: this is so cute**

**Niall: omg im dying i can't please continue this**

SAME NIALL SAME YOU ARE MY GOD OF UNDERSTANDING

**Zayn: or when you want to nuzzle lazily to his neck, feeling his warm body, ready to protect you and talk you out of your band day, am i right baby penguin?**

FUCK “BABY PENGUIN” ♥♥♥

**Luke: uh-um… mhm… yeah…**

**Harry: you wnat him to kiss you lazily whenever you want, caresing your cheeks, stroking your hair and telling you how much he loves you, don't you, baby?**

please shut up or i’ll die

**Ash: oh god i want a part in this**

no. you. left. them.

**Cal: oh god i don't want any part in this**

he’s a smart boy BUT GET LOST YOU FUCKER NO ONE NEEDS YOU. Oh shit, sorry puppy, I didn’t mean to be so rude! :(

**Louis: you want him to leave marks when he kisses your neck, right? Cuddling your body and his hot breath brushing over your ear when he whispers how much you mean to him**

wait, this is gonna get smutty now. i just know it.

**Liam: …**

even liam knows it. Did you know he’s like the foresighty guy here? Like, if something weird is starting you get to know because Liam goes “…”

**Luke: yeah, please, yes**

since he asked so nicely…

**Zayn: you probably want him to kiss you good, right? With pasionate tongue and firm hold on your wrists above your head, when you try to take off his shirt.**

okay but I thought Mike was the sub?

**Liam: i don't like where this is going**

**Cal: me neither**

BUT I DO

**Ash: i do**

haha yes

**Harry: you want him to hear your whimpers when heholds you down, when he shows dominance, don't you, penguin?**

OKAY CAN WE LET BOTH LUKE AND MIKE BE THE SUBS?

**Luke: yes, yes please, yes**

**Zayn: i bet you like it when he ruts agains your croth by his own, when he’s kissing you deeply and he’s not allowing you to touch him in return. And im sure you love it, when all the attention is on you. You feel all pretty and vulnerable when mikey has you like this, im sure.**

*dyinG*

**Liam: please stop this**

**Cal: it was cute first now it's getting weird**

are you sure you’re not just an itty bitty little bit of turned on?

**Louis: and you probably love to feel his hard, long leaking cock against your own, right? You love it when he’s whispering in your ear how good he’s gonna fuck you in your tight ass.**

**Luke: yeah… yes, please, more**

**Ash: you like this, Lukey-baby, don't you…**

YES DADDYYYYYYYYY

**Liam: guys please dont**

**Harry: and i think you really love it, when Mikey brushes his teetch over your nipples, licking them a bit and teasing you a little, right, Lukey-pumpkin?**

**Luke: please, please, yes**

**Zayn: aw, love, what are you pleading for? We are here to give you everything you want, honey, you are our little baby. Well, Liam’s gonna hiss about it, but he will do everything you ask him to, dont worry, I know him.**

Because he’s the cutest +most harmless snake ever, Lucifer. He’s Liamcifer. O_O

**Liam: Zayn…**

**Ash: oh cmon liam**

YEAH COME ON PAUL. Er, I mean Liam.

**Louis: and you are all good boy, lukey, aren't you? Youll be a good boy for daddy. You will moan out loud just like daddy loves it. And making all the little noises, and saying daddy out loud, and you love it when you are a whimperign mess under your daddy, right?**

goodness I want to worship you

**Luke: ungh, please, daddy, please**

**Mikey: guys come here to him he needs us all.**

CAS, I NEED YOU. Or maybe “Haz, I need you” But when did Mike get to talk?

**Harry: I'm pretty sure yo love it when you are all naked, Luke, and Mikey is all clothed. So you are all vulnerable and feeling small and needy, and you love your daddy taking care of you, is that right?**

**Luke: yes… yes, daddy, please**

I AGREE

**Ash: okay lukey it's okay, im coming for you yeah?**

**Zayn: and you love to be rimmed more than you like blowjobs, right? Daddy‘s tongue on your tight rim, working it it and stroking your cheeks, maybe slapping it a bit. You’ll be moaning daddy’s name, right? Wanting more. You love it when you can get daddy’s cock.**

Dayum Zayn you could make a living by being a phone sex operator. or a phone SEXT operator.

**Niall: im getting my camera for lukey-kitten**

this boy is sex crazed

or maybe he just has an unconditional love for photography and videography.

**Luke: yes, please, daddy, please, im a good boy, i need…**

**Louis: you are a very good boy, lukey. We are all heading to your room, is that okay, baby-penguin?**

BABY PENGUIN T_T wait a fucking second, did I not refer to him as such about 20 minutes ago? fUCK.

**Luke: yes… yes… i need… i need… I need daddy**

**Liam: i still can't believe this is my real life…**

do we get more rhapsodian references?

**Zayn: get used to it.**

percy jackson reference

**Louis: we are on our way, baby boy, just a moment.**

**Harry: we are heading to your room love, jsut getting some lube for our favourite boy.**

**Luke: daddy, i want your dick, please, please, i need you, please!**

I WANT YOUR DICK AND I WANT YOUR P**** // WANT YOUR BAD ROMANCE

**Liam: I see your door love, im already here.**

I thought he couldn’t believe this “was his real life” xD

**Liam left the conversation.**

**Harry left the conversation.**

**Louis left the conversation.**

**Ash left the conversation.**

**Niall left the conversation.**

**Zayn left the conversation.**

**Luke left the conversation.**

**Mikey left the conversation.**

PLEASE DON’T GO.

**Cal: …**

**Cal: fuck.**

**Cal: ive never orgasmed this hard before.**

It’s official.

1) Calum neEDS TO GET LAID

2) Luke has a SERIOUS daddy kink

3) ONE DIRECTION ARE FUCKING GODS WHEN IT COMES TO SMUTTALKING. OR YOU’RE A GODDESS. DAMN.

********

So… this is the longest one-chapatered text fic I’ve ever read, and may I say that it is too good for this world, just the way the people in it are.

**Author's Note:**

> I ruined a beautiful fic, didn't I?
> 
> [Tumblr](fancythingsandgossamerwings.tumblr.com)


End file.
